How to Deal with Feelings & Family Communication
Caregivers Can Use Feelings to Improve Communication in the Family
Nov 17, 2008
The first step in effective family communication is to listen to and deal with one's own feelings.
How Not Dealing with Feelings Contributes to Family Communication Problems
If the caregiver is not listening to and dealing with his own feelings, he may be sending mixed messages to others. A mixed message is a communication problem that results when caregivers are unaware that they are saying one thing, but feeling something opposite of what they are saying. The listener may become confused and communication problems result.
Why People Don't Deal with Their Feelings in Family Communication
Part of the reason this happens is because people don't like to acknowledge their own negative feelings and they try to suppress them. People misunderstand the function of feelings. They mistakenly think that having negative feelings makes a person "bad", instead of understanding that feelings are important and they give people information and energy to solve problems.
Why Caregivers Suppress Instead of Deal with Feelings
Perhaps a caregiver keeps feeling angry at the care recipient (spouse) and keeps getting the feeling he'd like to walk out and never come back. He says to himself, "Don't feel that way, it's wrong to feel that way, you are a failure and not living up to your vows if you feel that way."
The caregiver suppresses this feeling instead of trying to understand what it means. Feelings speak "in code" sometimes and have to be interpreted. Perhaps these feelings are telling the caregiver simply that he is overburdened and needs a break.
Suppressing the feelings prevents the caregiver from getting what he needs and it doesn't make the feelings go away. Instead, it creates a conflict of thoughts vs. feelings. This causes the caregiver to send a mixed message. For example, when the ill spouse asks for help, the caregiver says through clenched teeth, "It's alright, no trouble at all." The care recipient picks up on the negativity more than the words and will certainly feel bad about asking for help.
In addition, the caregiver may angrily tell his grown children, "I'm fine, I can do just fine without your help." The words don't match the tone of voice. The children become alienated and back off. The communication was not effective. The caregiver feels isolated and becomes frustrated that nobody will help.
Improve Family Communication by Dealing with Feelings
Ironically, to prevent communicating a mixed message, the speaker needs to become a better listener to himself. Caregivers should let themselves have whatever feelings come up. They shouldn't try to talk themselves out of their feelings. Instead, they can just let the feelings come and try to understand what the feelings mean. Don't judge the feelings, just let them be. Meditation training can help with this. Caregiver support groups are also helpful.
People will be judged on their actions, not their feelings, and having a "bad" feeling does not make anyone a "bad" person. Once the caregiver understands his own feelings and needs, he can better communicate them to others and ask for help. But automatically suppressing and dismissing feelings out of hand will not lead to any clear understanding by anyone.
Listening to and understanding one's own feelings is step one. Communicating effectively with someone else is the next step.
 |
