Husbands and Wives as Caregivers

Dual Roles of Spouse & Caregiver Can Damage a Relationship

Aug 6, 2009 Mary King

Accepting volunteer help or using a caregiver agency when a spouse is ill or injured is not a sign of weakness, but is instead a wise decision for all concerned.

Advances in technology and new medications have made it possible for many chronically ill or disabled persons to manage medical conditions at home. Spouses who take on the additional role of primary caregiver may be putting their relationship at risk, however. Is it smart to hire an agency caregiver or take advantage of volunteer help to share the extra work?

Caregiver Help and Support May Save a Relationship

Caring for a spouse or significant other is vastly different from caring for other family members such as a child or an elderly parent. The fear and anxiety of trying to cope with the elements of long-term illness or disability can tear apart an otherwise healthy relationship.

The Web site, CaregiverStress.com, offers insight in the article, "Stress and Spousal Caregiving." (No author, 2005). "All caregivers who experience elevated levels of stress are at an increased risk for physical and emotional issues, so it important to get support."

Hiring an Agency Caregiver and Accepting Volunteer Help

Hiring a caregiver from an agency or accepting volunteer help won't make everything right again, but the extra help can make a huge difference in how everyone in the household copes with the crisis.

Another valid point from the CaregiverStress site: "The hardest part for many is knowing when to ask, since, to some, asking for help is a sign they aren't handling the situation well. The truth…your spouse/partner will be in better hands if you, yourself, are healthy. It is important to take care of yourself, while taking care of someone else."

The Decision to Use a Caregiver

Some people don't like strangers coming into the home, but a competent caregiver can easily fit into the household routine, making life easier for the couple. Still unsure? Consider these points that may help both the caregiver spouse and partner.

Honestly evaluate the magnitude of the situation. One must consider more than just the daily needs of the sick or injured person. There may be a loss of income while the sick or injured spouse is not working. There may be sudden changes in lifestyle. The well spouse may have to adjust his or her own employment schedule or take time off from work. Younger family members still need attention, too.
Realize that one person cannot possibly do it all. When injury or illness strikes, it is often the well spouse or significant other who insists on being there – driven by marital duty and loyalty – to care for the other person. But no matter how efficient, energetic, or organized the well spouse may be, no one person can reasonably or sufficiently manage everything.
Recognize that pushing beyond reasonable limits can lead to burnout and resentment. Never underestimate the size of a caregiver's job. Whether actively or passively involved, even simple duties demand time and energy.
Know that paying attention to one's own needs is imperative. Caregiver spouses who allow no time for self-indulgence, and who do not properly maintain their own care, risk burnout or becoming ill. Depression, isolation, and resentment are signs of burnout. Overeating, alcohol abuse, bouts of anger, and inattention to appearance, are just a few of the danger signals that an overworked spouse may need help.
Expect a romantic relationship to suffer without help. When one spouse is overburdened, and the partner feels powerless to help, problems with sex and intimacy in the relationship are almost certain to develop. Furthermore, the perception of traditional roles of husband and wife change when one spouse sustains a devastating injury or is suddenly diagnosed with a long-term illness.
Accept that dignity and self-esteem play a vital part when a spouse is chronically sick or injured. When it comes to personal hygiene care, some husbands and wives are just not comfortable accepting help from the well spouse. Help can come from an agency caregiver, a volunteer, or from a personal care attendant (PCA).

Dual roles of spouse and caregiver may not seem difficult at first. However, the daily demands of caring for another person, obligations to family, staying employed, and routine of endless chores, soon become overwhelming for the well spouse. Increased worry, anxiety, and stress are unhealthy for any relationship, no matter how strong the couple may be.

Know when to hire a caregiver. It makes sense to get help before a crisis situation leads to resentment and depression for the well spouse. Once a couple realizes the advantages, seeking help from a qualified caregiver seems like a logical and very wise choice.

The copyright of the article Husbands and Wives as Caregivers in Caregiver Support is owned by Mary King. Permission to republish Husbands and Wives as Caregivers in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

Perceptions of a Caregiving Spouse are Different	Illness or Injury Can Strain a Marriage	Caregiver Depression Results From Burnout
Long-term Care for a Sick Spouse is a Huge Job	Intimacy Suffers During a Medical Crisis