If one of your parents has a stroke or an incapacitating accident, you may find yourself responsible for their mortgage, investments and bills until they recover. If you talk with them in advance and make plans for disaster, it will mean less stress for everyone when trouble finally comes.
Talking Money With Your Parents
If your parents bring up the subject of retirement or power of attorney, seize the moment and ask what they have planned for themselves. If that doesn’t work, you can bring it up indirectly: tell them you’re drafting a retirement plan and ask about theirs.
A more direct step is to ask a trusted family friend to broach the subject, or bring your brothers and sisters in on the discussion. Definitely talk to your siblings about what you have in mind, so that they’re not surprised.
If you have to go it alone, you might find it easier to tell your parents your concerns by e-mail, so you don’t have to look them in the eye the first time you bring it up.
Write Down Your Concerns
If you have to talk to your parents alone, write out what you need to say in advance. Go over it several times to make sure you’ve covered everything, then test the presentation on a trial audience to see how it sounds. Practice enough that you don’t have to keep checking the notes during the real meeting.
Respecting Your Parents' Wishes
Make it clear to your parents that you’re not trying to take over their life, dictate who they leave the house to or lecture them on how much they spend on eBay. You simply want to make sure they have everything in place for a wonderful retirement and that you have the authority to help if trouble develops.
Your Parents' Finances
Remind your parents that with good estate-planning, they can pass on more of what they have built up in life, whether they give it to their children, their grandchildren or charity. Point out that a living will and a clear statement of their intent could avoid nightmarish family battles over whether to disconnect life support. Even something as simple as instructions on where to find all their important papers – life insurance, Social Security numbers, lists of stocks, bonds and real estate they own – could make helping in a crisis much easier.
If Your Parents Say No
Your parents may refuse your help. They may decide there’s no need to think about this yet, and they may become indignant you’re asking so many questions about their finances.
If this is the case, don’t pressure or browbeat them. If they’re still independent and in control of their faculties and their lives, you have no authority to make them update their will or divulge their financial secrets.
At that point you will have to decide whether you should give up; try again later, after they’ve had time to think, or call in family or friends for support. You know best what will work with your parents.
Understanding Your Parents
For the best results, do not assume you know what your parents think, how they feel or what they want. You want the best for them, but remember, it is their prerogative to define what “the best” means in their life. Make it clear you understand that, and that you are not trying to take over, only to help.
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