Lessen Caregiver Burden by Accepting Help

Knowing How to Accept Support Can Help Overburdened Caregivers

Sep 6, 2008

When people ask family caregivers, "What can I do to help?" caregivers often don't know how to answer. Reluctant to assign work to others, they miss out on valuable help.

Fear is one of the things that often causes family caregivers to decline valuable offers of support and help. When caregiving begins to feel like a burden too large for one person to bear, it is time to reconsider how one responds to offers of help.

With Some Focused Thinking, Caregivers Can Overcome Their Fear and Accept Support

The way people respond to others is often a habit, based on ingrained ways of thinking that may or may not be valid. People can change old unproductive habits of thought and behavior. The first step is to become conscious of them. Many caregivers share common negative beliefs about accepting help which may not be useful now.

How Family Caregivers Can Understand Their Fear of Accepting Support

First caregivers need to uncover their habitual beliefs about the situation. To do this, a caregiver can ask him or herself, "If I accept support and help from this person, what will happen..." or, "Accepting help from this person means _______," Or, "What do I believe about why that person is offering to help me."

Then, write down all thoughts that come into the mind. After writing down each thought, the caregiver should ask "Then what would happen," and write down all the additional thoughts. Keep asking "Then what," to get at all of the thoughts until there are no more. This technique helps caregivers uncover thoughts that they themselves are unaware they are having, but that are causing them to decline valuable support from others.

A neighbor offers to help and the caregiver sees him or herself saying thanks but no thanks.

Thought: Because the person who offered help doesn't have to help me, he is just being polite.

Thought: The person doesn't really want to help so if he is asked to do a task he will be resentful and not come through, or he will do it once and then disappear.

Thought: Then the person will avoid me or see me as a burden and not treat me nicely anymore, and I will feel terrible.

Underlying Fear: The fear is that the caregiver will be judged negatively and will feel rejected and alone.

Changing Destructive Ways of Thinking to Lessen Caregiver Burden

Most of the thoughts and fears uncovered in this manner are not grounded in reality, but they are so habitual that they may seem true. Caregivers can ask themselves whether there is another way to view the situation that would yield more positive results.

For example, let's look at some of the thoughts identified above and try to dispute them.

Dispute: Many people benefit greatly by helping others and enjoy helping. I am not a mind reader, I should accept what people say at face value. He wouldn't offer to help if he didn't mean it.

Thought: He will become resentful and reject me if I take him up on his offer, and I will feel terrible.

Dispute: I can ask him to do one small thing and see whether or not he does it. Surely he will not become resentful since he did offer to help. Even if he doesn't come through or rejects me it would be unfortunate but I can live with that, it is not the end of the world.

In this example, the disputes are just as likely -- and probably more likely -- to be true than the original thoughts. If people never stop to examine the thoughts which drive their behavior, they may continue to act in ways that may no longer be helpful. Caregivers can adapt better to this very demanding role by making a conscious effort to be more flexible in their thinking and their behavior, by utilizing the tools described here.

The copyright of the article Lessen Caregiver Burden by Accepting Help in Caregiver Support is owned by Lisa C. DeLuca. Permission to republish Lessen Caregiver Burden by Accepting Help in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.