The Elder Care Challenge: Accepting Help
Those Caring for Elders at Home Can Learn to Enlist More Help
Sep 7, 2008
Caring for the elderly in their homes often cannot be done singlehandedly by one family caregiver, without being a serious burden. Sometimes friends and neighbors offer to help, but caregivers don't often - or ever - take them up on it, even though small amounts of help here and there can be a huge help.
Caregivers can better understand their own reluctance to accept legitimate offers of help by doing a brief exercise which helps them get to the bottom of their thoughts and fears about accepting help. This exercise can help caregivers realize that their old patterns of thinking and acting may not be helpful in their current situation. They can challenge their old ways of thinking and substitute new ones.
Common Thoughts and Fears Prevent Caregivers of the Elderly From Accepting Support
Here are some thoughts and fears common to caregivers, along with a new way of looking at the issue. Simply by challenging one’s thoughts, caregivers may find they can begin to experiment with accepting help more.
Thought: The person who offered to help is not in a close relationship to the caregiver and it is not his or her responsibility to provide this kind of help.
Fear: The fear is that the person who offered to help will be unhappy or feel put upon if he actually has to help. Or, the fear might be that the relationship will move to a closer, more intimate level, which the caregiver may not want.
New Thought: The person who offered is a grownup who can decide for himself whether he wishes to get involved. Many people get a great benefit out of helping others and do not see it as a burden. Perhaps the person has lots of free time and would like to have a more meaningful life by helping others. If a new relationship unfolds that could be a good thing. The caregiver’s life can truly be enriched by a new friend, especially one who is so generous and tuned into the caregiver’s burden.
Thought: The person who offered to help will ask the caregiver for help in return.
Fear: The overburdened caregiver will have yet another person expecting something from him or her.
New Thought: The person who offered help is sensitive enough to understand that it is the caregiver who needs help. He does not have any motive other than to give help freely to those in need. Even if he does expect something in return, the caregiver is free to graciously decline, stating that the caregiver’s hands are full right now.
Thought: The person who offered help is just being polite.
Fear: If the caregiver accepts the help, the person offering will be insulted and will not really want to help.
New Thought: The person would not offer to help if he didn’t really mean it. The caregiver has no reason to second guess this.
Thought: It takes more effort to call someone and ask for help than it does to simply do the job oneself.
Fear: Somehow the person who offered to help will end up being another burden on the caregiver.
New Thought: The only way to find this out is to try it once. Let the person help once, decide whether it was helpful and go from there. Sometimes it is an effort to line up help. But once that work is done, having people helping actually does make life easier.
Thought: The caregiver believes it is his or her job solely to provide care, and no one else's responsibilitly. Accepting help from others means that the caregiver is being a slacker.
Fear: The caregiver is afraid of failing or being perceived as weak.
New Thought: Providing eldercare includes care a person gives and care a person arranges. The caregiver doesn’t provide medical care, physical therapy, and pharmacy services, she arranges for these. Other aspects of care can also be arranged.
Ways for Caregivers to Change
Being flexible and willing to change old patterns of thinking and behavior can help caregivers lead a better life and do a better job. It can also result in positive changes and rewarding experiences for both caregiver and care recipient.
It can be difficult to change old habits, but with a little practice and patience, caregivers can use their role as caregiver to grow and evolve as a people themselves.
