Family caregivers often do not think they should have to ask for help from family members, and they may be angry and resentful because the others have not taken the initiative to step up.
Family Members Can Be Insensitive to Caregiver Needs
Family members can seem to be, and often are, very insensitive to the needs of other family members, this is true. However, in life, the person who needs help has a responsibility to ask for what he or she needs, before she can hold others 100% accountable for not responding.
Family Caregivers Need to Be Specific When They Ask For Help
A caregiver may feel like he has asked for help but in reality, his request may have been more of an accusation, i.e., “If you think I’m doing such a terrible job, why don’t you take over?” There is a way to ask for help that increases the likelihood of getting it. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying it. Even small amounts of help here and there can help prevent caregiver burnout.
The key is to be as specific as possible in the help that one is requesting. This may sound simple, but having a specific request and using assertive communication skills is a great way to cut through all of the family rhetoric that these conversations often degenerate into.
How to Ask for Help From Family Members Who Criticize but Don't Help
- “I need help and I can no longer do this alone. I would like you to (insert the specific task here that you would like them to do.) If you are unable to do this, I'd like you to help me pay for someone who can.”
In response, the family member may criticize you or try to justify why they are unable to help and you should be the one doing it all. Caregivers can practice not getting sucked into those arguments at all.
Caregivers Argue Instead of Sticking to Their Request
Even though these kinds of statements make the caregiver angry, engaging in this discussion or fighting about it only lets the family member off the hook by diverting attention away from the caregiver's specific request for help. Instead of fighting, caregivers can say:
- "I realize that is the way you see things. I see it very differently. Regardless, I would really like you to (fill in the blank with the task) or help me pay for somebody who will.”
No matter what they say, just keep repeating the specific request. Finally, if they can really come up with a legitimate reason why they can't do this particular task, hand them a list of tasks and ask them to pick one.
Have a List of Jobs Ready that the Caregiver Needs Help With
Give thought ahead of time to how others can help. This will help the caregiver whether he is dealing with reluctant family members or friendly neighbors and family who have offered to help.
In the end, help may or may not be forthcoming. But if the caregiver knows that he has asked for something specific and, rather than arguing about it, has persisted until an answer was received, the caregiver will be freed up to move on. He may be freed up to accept help from those who wish to help and stop expecting help in places where he will not get it. He may also feel free to change old patterns of relating to this particular family member.
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