When Grown Children Argue Over Parent Eldercare
Siblings who Don't Get Along May Disagree on Caregiving Decisions
Nov 1, 2009
Siblings who never got along as kids may not get along as adults. Arguments erupt when decisions have to be made concerning an aging parent's living arrangements, estate and caregiving. The situation gets worse when extended family members take sides. Family arguments put stress on the elderly loved one.
The Importance of Long-Term Care Planning
There are obvious reasons to plan in advance for long-term healthcare, including living arrangements. One consideration that may not have come to mind is how the grown children in the family get along. If sons and daughters didn't get along as children and teens, then it stands to reason they may not agree on a lot of things as adults.
An elderly parent who has made legal provisions for his or her future stands a good chance of seeing his or her wishes carried out peacefully. Those who don't plan for care beyond retirement may risk health and happiness, especially if feuding children can't work together to make important decisions. What decisions should an aged parent or family member document to avoid arguments among sons and daughters or extended family members? Here are some suggestions.
- Stipulate in writing whether the parent wishes to reside in a nursing home or wants to be cared for in a son or daughter's home when living alone is no longer an option.
- Make a will, file the document with an attorney, and keep the document updated.
- Complete legal documents for durable power of attorney (DPA) and a durable power of attorney for healthcare (DPAHC).
- Make funeral arrangements in advance including payments.
- Keep a living will up to date and make sure relatives know the document exists.
- Document anything else important with specific instructions. The idea is to prevent a family argument that could end up in court and cost thousands of dollars.
By signing DPA and DPAHC documents, the elderly person gives a designated individual (of his or her own choosing) authority to make important legal decisions on his or her behalf. The designated person should be someone who is completely responsible and trustworthy.
The Consequences of Family Members Disagreeing Over Elder Care
It is possible that family members may get past the disagreements of years gone by, coming together when a loved one becomes seriously ill or injured. It's just as likely the relatives will find more reasons to keep the arguments going. What happens when Grandma or Grandpa is suddenly incapacitated? What happens if the elderly parent is found to be incompetent to handle his or her affairs and no one in the family can agree on what to do? Here are some possible scenarios.
- Decisions pertaining to health care and estate matters can get tied up in legal proceedings, costing thousands of dollars.
- Family members argue and become more distant than ever.
- Extended family members get involved, exacerbating the problem.
- The elderly parent suffers from added stress, even when the person is not directly aware of what is going on.
- An elderly loved one with Alzheimer's disease or other form of dementia can sense the tension of arguing caregivers and become uncooperative or difficult to manage.
Arguments and disagreements between grown children may not cease when an aging parent needs someone to advocate for him or her. Sons and daughters that were not friends as children are not likely to work together even in a time of crisis. Parents who are beginning to age may want to plan ahead for long-term care and get their affairs in order to prevent legal problems and avoid family disagreements later on.
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