Convincing Elderly Parents
How do you Help Elderly Parents who Don't Think They Need Any?
No one can make a grown man or woman feel more child-like than his or her parents. Helping elderly or infirm parents involves re-negotiating these roles.
When elderly parents have a crisis, adult children are the ones they turn to. Yet when adult children have perfectly legitimate ideas that will help parents or avert crisis, the parents often won't let them implement these plans. The adult children, rightfully, grow frustrated.
On the other hand, parents naturally expect to be in charge of their own lives and don't want their children taking over and discounting their parents' abilities to know what is best for themselves. Parents often resent it when their adult children criticize how they are managing, and presume to know what's best from a distance.
What is needed is a new, respectful collaboration.The late Murray Bowen was a genious when it came to helping people break out of old, futile, family patterns of relating. Bowen helped people "differentiate" from family members. This means to take a position of difference while still remaining emotionally close. This is a lifelong task for all adult children to master, whether their parents are sick or well.
It involves listening as well as talking. It involves acknowledging the other's position as well as honestly stating your own - not by criticizing the other person, but by revealing something about yourself. For example, "It makes me so sad and worried to see you working so hard and never getting time to yourself. I would be so sad if you became ill too," instead of, "You aren't taking care of yourself and it's silly to think that you have to do everything, you should just get some help."
It involves validating the other's position without agreeing with it. It involves a loving intent and generosity of spirit, and getting past old wounds. It's another opportunity for healing that caregiving provides.
